Wrong Approach to Sibling Rivalry

Sometimes, in trying to resolve sibling rivalry, parents end up using approaches that escalate the issue rather than solve it. Our parents used these wrong approaches because they didn’t know any better, but you should not continue that way because you are here to stop negative patterns and kick start positive ones that will transition from generation to generation.

What are those wrong approaches that you should stop?

1. Playing the role of judge: Whenever you play judge among your children, you sow a seed of rivalry. Parents play judge because they don’t equip their children with the tools to settle their conflicts without the parents being involved. This approach is harmful because it can lead to a feeling of favouritism where one child feels validated while the other feels unfairly blamed. It encourages competition for approval rather than fostering cooperation. Remember that one of the things your child is fighting for is your attention because attention is food for your child. Constant judgment from parents also discourages children from solving their problems independently.
2. Comparing siblings: Parents say things like, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “Can’t you see your sister wakes up and makes her bed?” Comparison comes in very subtle ways and one of the things that can mar your parenting in sibling rivalry is comparison. When you compare, it breeds resentment and insecurity. It causes the blamed sibling to feel unloved, while the favoured sibling will feel pressured to maintain the trophy. It also increases competition and deepens the rift between siblings making cooperation even harder. Many times, when parents come to me with issues of sibling rivalry, 95 % of the time, they are the perpetrators. Parents are perpetrators of sibling rivalry, not because they want to but because they do not even know they are. Never make any child your trophy child because they turn out to be people pleasers, constantly seeking the approval and validation of people. Competition can be a tool for parenting but it must be a healthy competition. There is a way to have healthy competition without putting your children at loggerheads with one another.
3. Ignoring the issue completely: When there is an issue between your children, you pretend as if nothing happened and assume that the fight will resolve itself on its own, and you don’t intervene. Note that intervening in sibling rivalry is not coming to judge, it is coming to build skills – they are two different things. Intervention means understanding what skills you need to build in your children and building them. Ignored sibling conflict can damage sibling relationships in the long run. Ignoring will allow negative feelings to fester and intensify, and children may not learn effective conflict resolution skills; instead, they will rely on harmful ways of dealing with disputes like aggression and passive aggression.
4. Forcing apologies and reconciliation: Parents insist that children make up, or apologize after every fight regardless of whether they feel remorse. Forced apologies teach children to go through the motions without addressing the underlying issues, so it can prevent emotional growth and understanding, and the conflict’s root cause remains unresolved. Children become resentful when they are pressured to reconcile before they even have an understanding. You have to teach the child to recognise when they are wrong and to have a teachable spirit; forcing them to apologize doesn’t solve the problem. That’s why you have adults today who just apologize anyhow. Do not force your child to apologize because that will not make the issues go away.
5. Taking sides: Automatically assuming that one child is at fault, especially when it is the older sibling, or defending one child over the other. This system is harmful because it damages trust in the parent-child relationship. The child who feels unsupported may withdraw emotionally, while the child who is favoured may develop an entitlement mentality and also feel pressured to live up to that favouritism, so both outcomes foster unhealthy dynamics and perpetuate rivalry. This is why in the academy, there is something called a sibling mentorship system where siblings mentor one another, and it is not age-dependent.
6. Overreacting: This appears in ways like panicking, yelling, and punishing a child every time they fight or even disagree. You don’t allow them to understand who they are or to put things in perspective. It is harmful because overreacting escalates the problem. It makes children more stressed and more obsessed, and it makes them think that conflict is something terrible that should be avoided at all costs rather than a natural part of a relationship that can be managed calmly and constructively. There are many adults today who are in the two extremes – those who love conflict and those who hate it. Loving it because you are ready to fight to finish and hating it is avoidance because what you know about conflict is confrontation, not conversation. Having a difficult conversation is now difficult for you as an adult because anytime you disagreed with a sibling, you were beaten, you were yelled at, your parents panicked, or they hit you or overreacted. You need to teach conflict-resolution skills
7. Fixing the problem for them: This is parents stepping in to resolve the problem, telling the children exactly how to handle the situation. This approach is harmful because it robs your children of the opportunity to develop problem-solving skills and conflict-resolution skills. They become dependent on external intervention rather than learning to navigate disagreements on their own. In the long run, this hinders the ability to resolve conflict in their other relationships as well. Most adults cannot resolve conflict with their spouses – when your spouse does something, it’s either you’re shouting or you’re quiet.

Instead of all these ineffective strategies, you need to focus on getting your children to understand their feelings, expressing them respectfully, working together to find solutions, and empowering them to manage conflicts healthily and productively, which will strengthen their sibling bond over time.

One of the things we have been able to do is putting together the dealing with sibling rivalry course to get you to a point where you are doing this differently. This course comes with 14 templates and worksheets that will help you walk through the process of actually solving these problems. Whenever you solve problems for your children, you escalate the issue and cripple their independence in their ability to solve their problems on their own thereby encouraging rivalry. Sibling rivalry is common, but it is not normal. You are supposed to do something about it to prevent getting your children to that point.

Want to watch the full video? Click here: https://www.youtube.com/live/9C64LRoPjg8?si=MWfNk0uQz7vzHBUG

We also offer a sibling mentorship program and a course on sibling rivalry, which includes helpful resources like a sibling bonding calendar and worksheets to help parents establish a fair and balanced system for managing their children’s relationships.

Ever wondered why sibling rivalry happens and how you can prevent it? This course is packed with expert insights on fostering peace, harmony, and building stronger bonds between your children.

For just ₦10,500 (a whopping 50% off the original price of ₦20,500), you’ll gain access to:

• 14 practical worksheets and tools
• Proven strategies to strengthen sibling bonds
• Techniques to reduce conflict and create lasting peace
• And so much more!

Register here:
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